Love & Marriage Nukkad

General nukkad-style discussions.
This forum is lightly moderated, and members are expected to moderate themselves.
kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sat May 12, 2018 10:37 am

Before I post, wanted to thank all of you for guiding me. It has really helped. Thank you to Chandragupta sir, KJo sir, bharotshontan sir, Vikas sir, Sachin sir, Rsingh sir and anyone whom I mightve missed.

We did talk yesterday, again. So it has been 2 continuous days of talking- after a very long time.
This time I made it clear, though in absolute calm way, that it was unfair to me that she will not talk to me for 15-20 days again while I remain in blind and just watch everything like a bystander. I basically said whatever I had in my mind. From me having an equal stake in the relationship to us getting distanced slowly because we arent meeting or talking for extended periods of time. There was no fight at all. She understood my points and put across hers, which I also tried to understand calmly and rationally. The gist seemed to me that she is not really hiding much, if at all, from me but she is truly and genuinely tired of discussing the same thing again and again, and is also tired of fighting her family (its been 3 months for her doing this). She was especially frustrated a couple of weeks back but seemed calmer in past couple of days. She is also herself scared as death is such a big thing and she is scared about 'what if it actually happened' scenario. I understand that and tried to address it as calmly as I could. She still said that if her dad agreed, she will marry me in a heartbeat.
At the end we decided that we will normalize our talks and will start talking again as before. We will also not talk about this as much, until unless there is an update, as there is no point discussing the same thing over and over again. We also decided to meet again soon, after so long.
At the same time, I am preparing to meet her parents and thinking what all I can do to convince them. That will happen within a week or two. All my chances now depend on that one meeting. I am glad that things have become slightly normal between us but that only means 5%, rest 95% still remains.
I request the gurus to guide me on how to keep her in this slightly positive state that she has come to after so long, and how to prepare for the meeting with her parents.

Ashish Raval
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Ashish Raval » Sat May 12, 2018 10:42 pm

Good one Kittoo..
Your challenge is to convince her father that she will be happier with you that she ever has been with him growing up in the family. Dad normally is absolutely possessive about daughters and they do not want their daughters to get near anyone who is not going to keep her happy. There are three ways of going about it a) prove you are better than others b) others are not match to you and c) both. Think about how you can do that!! make sure you get some presents around when you meet. Make sure you have travelling as hobby on CV ;)

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sun May 13, 2018 6:15 am

Thanks Ashish sir but turns out life is a very cruel mistress. As I wrote on my last post, finally she was positive and I was also happy and looking forward to meeting her family. But the very next day she was again completely disinterested and ignoring my msgs. So I asked if everything was OK she again says that her mom started crying and all and that she won't be able to do it. I had had enough. I could not do this again and again that I remain in immense pain days on end, in complete uncertainty, then convince her somehow thoda sa and then she goes back to square one the very next day. So I, in a very calm and rational manner, said that I understood her situation that she was unable to do it and it was ok and we should end it. I also said that I can't do this to myself and want out of this rollercoaster. I wished her all the best and ended it.
It hurts, but I am also kinda relieved. At least I know now what I have to do. Last 3 months have been hell. Maybe now I can start moving on.

suryag
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by suryag » Sun May 13, 2018 7:40 am

Kittoo sir, very good decision, your life is going to get better now

Ashish Raval
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Ashish Raval » Sun May 13, 2018 10:52 am

Kittoo take a break, chill and move on. Life will teach you many more lessons. Hurdles will only make you stronger by the day. You never know you may be poised for better things in life :-) ..

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Sun May 13, 2018 9:03 pm

kittoo, too bad it didn't end well but you will feel a new lightness in the coming weeks. Focus on yourself, enjoy life with friends and family and go traveling. Don't think about her, it won't be easy but force your mind to change track.

If you have really really broken up, I recommend you delete all Whatsapp, FB and emails from her so there is nothing to look at. Delete all pictures. Of course this is not easy either but you can take a few weeks for that.

Chandragupta
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Mon May 14, 2018 6:53 am

I read your first post on this page and felt relieved, only to read your second post and well. But you took it like a man and I think you should be proud of yourself - that you put yourself on the line for her and backed her up, but sometimes it just doesn't work. It is a very good decision that will save you a lot of heartburn. KJo saar is right in saying that you should block & delete all her contact details and delete all pictures etc. No drunk dialling as well as that is a sign of weakness and the girl will also perceive it to be that way. Best to relax with family and friends and slowly get back on the dating scene.

May I suggest something from what I have seen. Make a profile on some matrimony website. I have had a friend do it and I saw the results. It is the Indian Tinder. Meet girls, date them and see if you fancy anyone.

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Mon May 14, 2018 6:27 pm

Women get an ego boost when they have a man waiting on their every word breathlessly. In other words, women love to F with men's minds. Yes, it is nice to do that as part of the courting ritual to impress her, but when it becomes clear that you are just a dog on a leash that is when you disengage yourself and move on. You should always be in control of yourself. from what I read, time to move on.

Not sure how tinder works. Here it is supposed to be for effing onlee. How is it in India?

Chandragupta
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Tue May 15, 2018 6:36 am

KJo wrote:
Mon May 14, 2018 6:27 pm
Women get an ego boost when they have a man waiting on their every word breathlessly. In other words, women love to F with men's minds. Yes, it is nice to do that as part of the courting ritual to impress her, but when it becomes clear that you are just a dog on a leash that is when you disengage yourself and move on. You should always be in control of yourself. from what I read, time to move on.

Not sure how tinder works. Here it is supposed to be for effing onlee. How is it in India?
I don't think Indian women are on Tinder to get F-ed, more like dating and a lot of them have made matrimonial-ish profiles to attract marriage prospects also. One of my friends said he had more success with hex on shaadi.com and bharatmatrimony than Tinder.

shravanp
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by shravanp » Wed May 23, 2018 3:03 am

Too bad they don't have "gentlemen" clubs in India. That's the best way to get over someone :)

Primus
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Primus » Wed May 23, 2018 11:12 am

Kittoo Ji, sorry to read the conclusion of your story. Perhaps it is indeed time to move on:


kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sat May 26, 2018 7:50 am

KJo wrote:
Mon May 14, 2018 6:27 pm
Women get an ego boost when they have a man waiting on their every word breathlessly. In other words, women love to F with men's minds. Yes, it is nice to do that as part of the courting ritual to impress her, but when it becomes clear that you are just a dog on a leash that is when you disengage yourself and move on. You should always be in control of yourself. from what I read, time to move on.
Primus wrote:
Wed May 23, 2018 11:12 am
Kittoo Ji, sorry to read the conclusion of your story. Perhaps it is indeed time to move on:

Saars, another update.

I didnt post for some times because I didnt know where this was going. We started talking again and normally. This went on for 10 more days or so. She would call me too and talk as if nothing had happened. But whenever I would bring the topic of marriage/kundli/family and all she would say she couldnt talk about this anymore as it hurt her head. I asked her to meet to which she said it would 'make her weak' so she would meet only after once talking to her dad and seeing if there was any chance. She kept saying that meet my dad once he comes but never really gave me a date (kept saying 2 weeks but that kept shifting. It has been 1 month already since), but never really committed to anything strong such as telling them that she will marry me only or noone else, or that she would not meet other guys (or at least say no to them after meeting them). In such a case meeting her dad was also futile as he knows his daughter is not going to go against his wishes anyway (she was not even ready to bluff going against him).
It slowly dawned on me that she has kept me as a backup option and is already meeting guys behind my back and not telling me (I also saw her profile being active on a dating app. Not a matrimonial app but a dating app like tinder. For sure her parents couldnt update it there). She is hedging her bets in case she doesnt find someone as good or better than me in a few months. It became clear when once when I said that you have to be 100% on my side or there is no point in meeting your dad and I will leave, to which she jokingly replies- 'and what if i come back after 4 months? what would you say?'
So for the first time, rather than being reactionary, I called her and said in no uncertain terms that I am moving on and so should she. I told her that I didnt see any end to this other than her being engaged one day and telling me to take a hike and I had no intention of staying till that day. Initially she replied with the same thing- 'what if I came back after 4 months?', to which I replied that it didnt matter if it was 4 months or 2 days, I am moving on forever. For the first time in last 4 months, her tone became loving and meek towards me, as if I had taken all the power back in my hands. Her 4 months became 3 months, then 2 months, then 15 days. 'What if I came back after 15 days?' she asked, and I replied the same answer. She kept telling to not hurry in future relationships and not take a decision in haste (something I had been telling her all along!), that I would at least pick her phone and agree to meet if and when she came back. That she knew I was the best guy ever and it was tough to find a good and full package guy. This went on for 50mns. Then I said I had to go and she said something she hadnt said in last 3 months. She said I love you. If only she had said those words when I was going through hell in past 3 months, how easily I couldve passed them. Nevertheless, I said bye.
I believe I made the right decision. I was being taken for a hike. If nothing else, I took the power back and ended it on my own terms. My only question is- what is the probability of her actually calling me within next 2-4 months? I want to be ready for it and reply the same way as I did in the last call. I dont want to blindsided by it and then give all the power back to her again.
Chandragupta wrote:
Tue May 15, 2018 6:36 am
I don't think Indian women are on Tinder to get F-ed, more like dating and a lot of them have made matrimonial-ish profiles to attract marriage prospects also. One of my friends said he had more success with hex on shaadi.com and bharatmatrimony than Tinder.
shravanp wrote:
Wed May 23, 2018 3:03 am
Too bad they don't have "gentlemen" clubs in India. That's the best way to get over someone :)
Yeah I too wish that we had such clubs :p but nevertheless I do plan to go on shaadi.com etc too.

Chandragupta
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Sat May 26, 2018 9:54 am

Kittoo ji, nobody can know the probability of her coming back to you next day/ week / month or year. However, if you keep going back on your word everytime, it is the value of your word & zabaan that will suffer. You can't keep threatening her 'I'll move on, I'm moving on' and then not do so. If she is already active on Tinder & dating apps and hedging her bets, then why on earth are you still longing to be with her.

Imho, you dodged a bullet there. Please move on and block her on all platforms, never talk to her again or see her. You don't need to tell her that it is over, if it is over, then it just is.

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sat May 26, 2018 12:47 pm

Chandragupta wrote:
Sat May 26, 2018 9:54 am
Kittoo ji, nobody can know the probability of her coming back to you next day/ week / month or year. However, if you keep going back on your word everytime, it is the value of your word & zabaan that will suffer. You can't keep threatening her 'I'll move on, I'm moving on' and then not do so. If she is already active on Tinder & dating apps and hedging her bets, then why on earth are you still longing to be with her.

Imho, you dodged a bullet there. Please move on and block her on all platforms, never talk to her again or see her. You don't need to tell her that it is over, if it is over, then it just is.
Agreed on both counts Chandragupta saar.
Though I have not gone on my word, as of yet. There have been three times we (I?) decided to break it off. First time she called back asking for more time, second time there was some affair with her dad which I had to inform her (though this can be counted as me breaking off contact) and this is the third time.
Though this is the first time I havent reacted on her telling me this cant be done etc. This time I myself asked her to end it even though she was asking me to meet her father. Nevertheless I understand your broad point definitely. I have no intention of calling her or msging her again.
As for your second point- its completely valid. My mind keeps telling me how its a very very bad idea if I even think of getting back with her, though heart is harder to control. Good thing I left no possible option for me to contact her again. If I call or her msg now, it will be too big a loss of face and not to mention I will also loose self-respect and the power which I had finally got back from her (probably for the first time in the relationship) :P

darshhan
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by darshhan » Sat May 26, 2018 2:07 pm

Modern age women are always hedging their bets. They always crave for a "supposedly better man" or whatever that is supposed to mean. Sluttification of modern urban women(increasingly rural too) is almost complete. In earlier days extreme promiscuity in the masses never had social sanction nor was it tolerated. At most it was limited to the elites. Now degeneracy, insanity and hedonism is the norm along with all forms of low impulse control. The consequence being that women are no longer satisfied. The following meme captures this situation perfectly

http://www.returnofkings.com/wp-content ... an-get.png

NSFW

darshhan
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by darshhan » Sat May 26, 2018 2:07 pm

Modern age women are always hedging their bets. They always crave for a "supposedly better man" or whatever that is supposed to mean. Sluttification of modern urban women(increasingly rural too) is almost complete. In earlier days extreme promiscuity in the masses never had social sanction nor was it tolerated. At most it was limited to the elites. Now degeneracy, insanity and hedonism is the norm along with all forms of low impulse control. The consequence being that women are no longer satisfied. The following meme captures this situation perfectly

Is he the best I can get
NSFW

Primus
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Primus » Sun May 27, 2018 12:03 am

Women sometimes realize too late in life that they've lost it. A man can father a child at 75, a woman has a biological clock that keeps ticking and goes faster as she gets older.

This wonderful and poignant book describes the phenomenon very well, there is a well known joke in the beginning of the book about the 'husband store'.

Kittoo Ji, a deterrent only works if you exercise the ultimatum. You lose credibility and your own worth if you do not stick by your decision.

Sachin
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Sachin » Mon May 28, 2018 8:42 am

A second case of "honour killing" from Kerala.
Kevin’s murder an honour killing, hints sources......
The case is that a young man who got married using the Special Marriage Act, was killed by the brother (and hired goons) of his wife. Both the man and woman are Christians. The girl was a Catholic (upper caste?), while the boy was a Christian convert from the SC/ST community.

Another news which also highlights the sad case of lots of young men in KL not finding brides. The Kerala Inter-Caste Marriage group had organised a function at Northern Kerala, where it was advertised that unmarried men who had a religion no bar/caste no bar demand and NOT seeking dowry would get a chance to meet like minded girls, and perhaps even take the first steps for marriage. The organisers expected a crowd of 150 such men. But what happened was a literally pouring in of men. Around 800 'would be bride grooms' landed up, but only 20-odd 'would be brides' were there at the venue. Lots of men felt they were cheated and demand that their registration fees be refunded. Finally "Kerala's finest" had to intervene and ask every one to get out of the venue.

srikumar
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by srikumar » Mon May 28, 2018 3:57 pm

Sachin wrote:
Mon May 28, 2018 8:42 am
Another news which also highlights the sad case of lots of young men in KL not finding brides.
Why is this? The M/F ratio is in KL is supposed to be the 'best' in India (i.e. more females than males) as far as I know. Is it because of some religious-type reasons? Or is it a case of people from other states coming to KL for brides? About 5-7 years ago, I had read an article about Haryana state having a very bad ratio = few, few brides, and so one guy came and married a KL woman.

Sachin
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Sachin » Tue May 29, 2018 6:35 am

srikumar wrote:
Mon May 28, 2018 3:57 pm
Why is this? The M/F ratio is in KL is supposed to be the 'best' in India (i.e. more females than males) as far as I know. Is it because of some religious-type reasons? Or is it a case of people from other states coming to KL for brides? About 5-7 years ago, I had read an article about Haryana state having a very bad ratio = few, few brides, and so one guy came and married a KL woman.
There are multiple reasons. I have my own close friends who are now in their mid 30s who have not been able to find suitable brides. From what I could make out it is more of an "expectation" problem from all the parties involved.

Men:-
1. Expectations on beauty etc. Many wait for years hoping that the next one coming up would be better ;).
2. Expectations related to financial status, or financial issues (including dowry). Some communities/religious groups have actually pegged dowry rates based on educational qualifications etc.
3. Expectations related to horror-scope matching (limited mainly to Hindus) or on caste/community/social standing (mainly for Hindus & X'ians).

Women:-
1. Expectations on job (government jobs most preferred, and even in that more riskier ones - eg: Defense, Police etc. are generally given lower priority)
2. Expectations on education. A Ph.D one some dud subject is considered to be better than having a working business. Academic brilliance (!?) given undue weight-age, other than to skills in business, or handling job pressure etc.
3. Expectations on horror-scope matching (Women have big problems if they have doshas, and also if their kin expects on alliances only within their community etc; - available population of men would be less). Women in other communities would have problems if they are from a financially poorer sections, or having lower social standing.

In general Hindu community has the highest problems, followed by X'ians and the least by Islamics. It is very tough to find a Islam man or woman in Kerala who is not married at a very young age. Islamics are also open for girls from other communities, and are willing to accept them (after conversion off course).

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Fri Jun 08, 2018 4:16 pm

To those who mightve followed my story. Its been around 20 days since last talk. I am much better now. Of course I still think about it more or less 24x7 but mostly my mood is OK, with occasional bouts of sadness. Hopefully things will be better going forward. I tried meeting other girls but cancelled since I am not yet emotionally ready. Sometimes I wish she hadnt said that she might call in 3 or 4 months if she ever got the courage again, cause that left me some hope, though very small. Hope is what kills in such situations. Nevertheless, she also doesnt have a lot of time so maybe things will clearer sooner than later. She will be turning 30 in August and I have a feeling that something will happen before that, or that day, or something. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst news (engagement etc.) but it really hits only when it happens.
Nevertheless, I will keep moving forward every day- getting better and not calling or texting her from my side. Whatever destiny has in store, it will bring.

Narasimha
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Narasimha » Fri Jun 08, 2018 5:32 pm

Its over get on with your life. I know its tough but for your sanity you must know when to pack your bags and move on. You don't need to suffer more than what is necessary and you have cut your loses so cut it clean and thank your stars that you are not stuck in a dysfunctional relationship that could have been worse.

crams
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by crams » Fri Jun 08, 2018 6:36 pm

Guys, what is this Veerdi shit that Indian elite western wannabe chics are going crazy about. That filth of a woman Swara Bhaskar seems to be getting her 15 minutes of fame. She is the ultimate 5-star activist, elitist, lives a life of luxury and then pompously talks about tolerance and such. The kind of chic who will not or has ever come close to within 15 miles of poverty stricken SDREs and yet professes to speak on their behalf.

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Sat Jun 09, 2018 12:29 am

kittoo wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 4:16 pm
To those who mightve followed my story. Its been around 20 days since last talk. I am much better now. Of course I still think about it more or less 24x7 but mostly my mood is OK, with occasional bouts of sadness. Hopefully things will be better going forward. I tried meeting other girls but cancelled since I am not yet emotionally ready. Sometimes I wish she hadnt said that she might call in 3 or 4 months if she ever got the courage again, cause that left me some hope, though very small. Hope is what kills in such situations. Nevertheless, she also doesnt have a lot of time so maybe things will clearer sooner than later. She will be turning 30 in August and I have a feeling that something will happen before that, or that day, or something. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst news (engagement etc.) but it really hits only when it happens.
Nevertheless, I will keep moving forward every day- getting better and not calling or texting her from my side. Whatever destiny has in store, it will bring.
It's not easy and will take longer, so keep up the courage. Make a complete break in your mind. Don't have any hope because it will only cause pain. Just jump into your own activities like gym, hobbies, travel, work etc. Forget about her.

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Sat Jun 09, 2018 12:31 am

crams wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 6:36 pm
Guys, what is this Veerdi shit that Indian elite western wannabe chics are going crazy about. That filth of a woman Swara Bhaskar seems to be getting her 15 minutes of fame. She is the ultimate 5-star activist, elitist, lives a life of luxury and then pompously talks about tolerance and such. The kind of chic who will not or has ever come close to within 15 miles of poverty stricken SDREs and yet professes to speak on their behalf.
My wife and her 15 gal pals went to watch the movie. It's supposed to be a chick flick. I was waiting to see any blowback or inspiration but nothing came. I won't put up with any crap anyway.

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