Love & Marriage Nukkad

General nukkad-style discussions.
This forum is lightly moderated, and members are expected to moderate themselves.
chetak
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by chetak » Sat Apr 21, 2018 12:06 pm

kittoo wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:16 am
Chandragupta wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:41 am
kittoo wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:08 am


CG sir, what's your opinion on my last post (about we being 30 and starting from scratch and all?).
Sir imho I have seen plenty of people who are

a. clueless or
b. willing to start from scratch

even at the age of 30-32. It is an inconvenience ofcourse but then these issues are complex. We don't know what is the equation between you two, only you do. Only you know the real depth of your relationship. I have seen plenty of my own friends and acquaintances being in relationships till late 20s and then suddenly when things begin to get serious, some of these relationships come crashing down. In such cases, what is a given is that the next relationships are going to get shorter and shorter. May be the thought process is that it is already 30 now, so worrying about being late is useless. People can tailor their expectations from life and give in, when they see that it is not going according to plan.

I think KJo saar gave you really good advice when he said that you should now fold up things in a defined time period rather than stretching it. If you see things moving in lets say 30 days, then good or else, move on. It is not easy but the more you delay the tougher it is going to be to start from scratch now.
I understand. This were serious between us since around 18 months. She met my parents then, I met her parents around 1 year back. Till last month we were planning how the marriage would go and how much money we would need and spend etc. Things truly went downhill only when the astrologer thing happened. But I didn't expect her to give up so easily, especially she has never been the kind who gives two shits about what her parents want her to do or think

Though right now my main question is, to you and Kho sar, is should i still call her and tell her that I am giving her 1 month, or simply let it be and not contact her for 1 month? It's already been 3 days since the last talk in which I said she should call me only if she is ready to fight. I also said I'd be moving on meanwhile. Soshould I stil give her call for an ultimatum?
The word ultimatum may be inappropriate and has undesirable connotations in this situation.

It's closure that you are looking for, one way or the other.

Best to call and request for an answer in some mutually suitable and appropriate time frame, failing which each is free to move on and get on with their lives.

Chandragupta
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Sat Apr 21, 2018 12:49 pm

I feel you should have done that in the last conversation itself but then hindsight is 20/20. None of us know what to say at the right time specially at such incidents where our minds & hearts are truly fvcked. Has she called you post your last conversation? If it has been 3 days and she hasn't called, that means either she has given up, moved on / or she is fighting with her parents and doesnt have an answer for you YET / or somewhere in the middle.

I think the last 3 sentences you said (I missed that post earlier) pretty much cleared your position. I would assume that you were being serious in your conversation while she wasn't or at least not to the same level as you. If I were in your position, I would wait for a week or two at max, if she doesn't make any contact, its game over, time to move on. If she does make contact herself and doesn't have an answer for you, then you do what KJo suggested - give her an ultimatum of x days and stick to it. I would not advise you calling her or initiating contact. It is not a one way street that you should continue to chase her after all this time.

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sat Apr 21, 2018 1:52 pm

Chandragupta wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 12:49 pm
I feel you should have done that in the last conversation itself but then hindsight is 20/20. None of us know what to say at the right time specially at such incidents where our minds & hearts are truly fvcked. Has she called you post your last conversation? If it has been 3 days and she hasn't called, that means either she has given up, moved on / or she is fighting with her parents and doesnt have an answer for you YET / or somewhere in the middle.

I think the last 3 sentences you said (I missed that post earlier) pretty much cleared your position. I would assume that you were being serious in your conversation while she wasn't or at least not to the same level as you. If I were in your position, I would wait for a week or two at max, if she doesn't make any contact, its game over, time to move on. If she does make contact herself and doesn't have an answer for you, then you do what KJo suggested - give her an ultimatum of x days and stick to it. I would not advise you calling her or initiating contact. It is not a one way street that you should continue to chase her after all this time.
Sir, she hasnt contacted but she had also said that she would go to more astrologers this weekend. So I guess I can wait for another week at max and then move on. By next weekend it should be pretty clear where she stands. Thanks for all your support. God knows I need it. My heart is broken in a thousand different pieces and every passing second is as tough as an hour.

Vikas
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Vikas » Sat Apr 21, 2018 3:59 pm

Kittoo, You did what you had to do and there isn't much more you can do. About this ultimatum thing, I think deep down inside, you are probably hoping that ultimatum may work for you. Your best bet is to stop analyzing the who situation, go around as if the breakup as already happened and you need to pick up your life.
Like I mentioned in my previous post too, This would be like going thru the worst nightmare of the life but then what is life without the battle to win back what you assumed was always yours.

PS: Funny thing is that you may find someone (or the same girl) when you would least expect it. May Divine mother be with you.

Mort Walker
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Mort Walker » Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:18 pm

kittoo wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 1:52 pm
Sir, she hasnt contacted but she had also said that she would go to more astrologers this weekend. So I guess I can wait for another week at max and then move on. By next weekend it should be pretty clear where she stands. Thanks for all your support. God knows I need it. My heart is broken in a thousand different pieces and every passing second is as tough as an hour.
This is all nuts. I can't believe educated people are still accepting these soothsayers - generally it is only for guidance. The best thing for you is to tell her that the timing of your birth is wrong and the astrologer should use the correct date. Make it up man!

If caste/community, morals, education, and profession is good between both sides, then what is the problem here?

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:41 pm

Mort Walker wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:18 pm
This is all nuts. I can't believe educated people are still accepting these soothsayers - generally it is only for guidance. The best thing for you is to tell her that the timing of your birth is wrong and the astrologer should use the correct date. Make it up man!

If caste/community, morals, education, and profession is good between both sides, then what is the problem here?
Sir,

everything else is fine. I hope this will not come out as being prideful, I just want to put these stats to describe the situation- I am an IIM Bangalore graduate, Sindhi, with senior level job at a private bank with pretty good finances and not bad looking either I suppose. These are not the issues. The issue is only Kundli and nothing else, as far as I am aware. And to add to it, I had an hour long discussion with another well known astrologer today and he found no issues in our Kundlis at all. WTH is going on?!
The problem with changing time now is that we already communicated the correct time her family and all. wont it come as clearly lying if the time comes out to be different? They will smell it from a mile away.
Finally, if its OK, could you please share your email ID? Just wanted to have a private discussion. Its ok if you dont want to, I understand.
Vikas wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 3:59 pm
Kittoo, You did what you had to do and there isn't much more you can do. About this ultimatum thing, I think deep down inside, you are probably hoping that ultimatum may work for you. Your best bet is to stop analyzing the who situation, go around as if the breakup as already happened and you need to pick up your life.
Like I mentioned in my previous post too, This would be like going thru the worst nightmare of the life but then what is life without the battle to win back what you assumed was always yours.

PS: Funny thing is that you may find someone (or the same girl) when you would least expect it. May Divine mother be with you.
Its a tough battle indeed saar, very very tough. One moment I am completely calm and rational and happy, the other moment I am feeling like my heart is being ripped out and all I want to do is cry.
Aapke mooh main ghee shakkar though for the last line.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Mort Walker » Sat Apr 21, 2018 11:43 pm

kittoo wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:41 pm


Sir,

everything else is fine. I hope this will not come out as being prideful, I just want to put these stats to describe the situation- I am an IIM Bangalore graduate, Sindhi, with senior level job at a private bank with pretty good finances and not bad looking either I suppose. These are not the issues. The issue is only Kundli and nothing else, as far as I am aware. And to add to it, I had an hour long discussion with another well known astrologer today and he found no issues in our Kundlis at all. WTH is going on?!
The problem with changing time now is that we already communicated the correct time her family and all. wont it come as clearly lying if the time comes out to be different? They will smell it from a mile away.
Finally, if its OK, could you please share your email ID? Just wanted to have a private discussion. Its ok if you dont want to, I understand.
Kitooji,

No worries. If my daughter was marrying an IIM graduate, I would not get in her way particularly someone from a good family who is level-headed and would make a good parent in the future. Consider yourself lucky sir. You've dodged a bullet, so move on. It may be hard, but there are many good candidates for you.

rsingh
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by rsingh » Sat Apr 28, 2018 1:26 pm

Pardon moi Kittoo bhai. I have think that She has uncovered something about you, which was hidden before. Could be your medical history, your lifestyle or something else. Good bank job or being a Sindhi are not only good qualifications. Simple hint; how come you are not married yet ? It is very unusual in India (and that for a Sindhi). Astrologer thing is just a nice bahana . Give me contact of that astrologer I need 5 correct number to win 100 million lottery.

Vikas
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Vikas » Sat Apr 28, 2018 3:20 pm

^That brings me to an interesting question. How do you figure out why a girl who till yesterday was all over you is suddenly no longer interested in you and is willing to break the relationship for no obvious reason ?
Love just like that, can not disappear unless there was no love to start with. So for postmortem sake, how do you learn from the whole fiasco. Is there ever a method in this stab to the heart by women on us unsuspecting men.

PS: Kittoo, this Question is not for you. I still believe that you will end up with this girl.

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sun Apr 29, 2018 2:21 pm

Mort, Rsingh and vikas saar, thanks for your replies.
As far as her uncovering something about me, I will answer after this little update.
Last week Friday, we had a long call in which she truly seemed frustrated about the situation. Her mom has been staying with het since past 3 weeks and I also wad asking answers from her. It felt to me that these things made her feel completely drained and all she wanted was for her life to become normal again. While we couldn't end the talk as her mom kept eyeballing her, the next day I dropped her a msg that I understood she was frustrated, and I was tired of discussing the same thing again and again too. And so, we should meet for one last time, at the same place where we met first (a restaurant) and end it. She said she felt very bad after reading but said ok. I said nothing after that. 2 days after it she called me a few times and I finally picked. She said that she showed my msgs to her mother and started crying, at which point her mother finally relented a bit and said they would go to a few more astrologers, but meanwhile she won't talk to me. So she called me to tell me she was trying from her side but will call me after 2 weeks or so.
So that's where we stand. I suppose she did start trying again a little bit, earlier I had started to think she wasn't interested at all. Now I feel she wants but the situation has her too frustrated. Maybe me saying let's end it spurred her a little again.
So I wait, still almost as tense but it's not like I have any other option.
To answer why I am not married, I just didn't find anyone who gave me the feeling I could live with my whole life. We both are 30 and she also says the same thing, that I was the first with whom she felt she could live her life. It's really that simple. I don't think there is anything that she could've discovered, nor did I hide anything
rsingh wrote:
Sat Apr 28, 2018 1:26 pm
Pardon moi Kittoo bhai. I have think that She has uncovered something about you, which was hidden before. Could be your medical history, your lifestyle or something else. Good bank job or being a Sindhi are not only good qualifications. Simple hint; how come you are not married yet ? It is very unusual in India (and that for a Sindhi). Astrologer thing is just a nice bahana.
Astrologer could definitely be a nice bahana from her family (or even her, though I don't feel it) side, but they did meet me and liked me fine. They were planning to come at my home and dates for marriage were being fixed. It genuinely does feel that it was that one astrologer, who they believe completely, ruined everything. Something hiding I answered above.
Vikas wrote:
Sat Apr 28, 2018 3:20 pm
PS: Kittoo, this Question is not for you. I still believe that you will end up with this girl.
You have mooh main ghee shakkar saar

rsingh
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by rsingh » Mon Apr 30, 2018 4:06 pm

Kitoo ji, I understand your unique problem. Nothing personal and please do not take it wrong way, As you know there used to an exclusive Gentleman's Club on BR, which was raided and destroyed by some admins ( coerced in doing so by their SHQs). That was one place where we used to share experiences and distribute gyan to new mujahids. This thread is not the same thing. So many experienced Gurus are hesitating to post here anything. Wish prof Lalmullah (PBUH) take note of this and instruct the admins to restore the old order. Salam

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Tue May 08, 2018 6:24 am

Its been 12 days since we last talked. Its been really really tough, but I am hanging there. slowly it has become easier. She said it will take her 15-20 (and even 25 days at one point) to sort the kundli and family thing at her end. I dont know what result she will come with either- positive or negative. I keep debating to myself whether I should call her myself at 21st or the 28th day and ask whats the decision. Or if I should even call her at all if its been 28-30 days and she hasnt even called. On one hand I dont want to be in a limbo status and want a clear answer-whether yes or no, so that I can move on. On the other, isnt it a clear No if she doesnt call for 30 days or so?
Its so hard. Its tearing me apart. Its all I think about. Even my sleep has been affected. :(

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Tue May 08, 2018 5:52 pm

Unfortunately this limbo state is because you don't have closure. And it will continue until you resolve the situation.
I think you have no option but to wait. Give her enough time to come to a decision at her end, then you can move forward or break things off and move on to next phase of life.

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Tue May 08, 2018 7:49 pm

KJo wrote:
Tue May 08, 2018 5:52 pm
Unfortunately this limbo state is because you don't have closure. And it will continue until you resolve the situation.
I think you have no option but to wait. Give her enough time to come to a decision at her end, then you can move forward or break things off and move on to next phase of life.

Sir,
That's what I am doing everyday. So many times I am this close to calling her and asking what she has decided. But I resist because if she decides anything, she will let me know. Pestering her won't get the decision sooner, and will only make me look like an immature impatient wreck.
You are right that it's closure I need. The only question is- once I have waited for 30 days or so and if she still hasn't called, should I call her to look for an official closure? I don't want to have any confusion or regrets going forward- like what if I had called or confirmed once or is there a chance still or something like that.

Chandragupta
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Wed May 09, 2018 6:40 am

kittoo wrote:
Tue May 08, 2018 7:49 pm
KJo wrote:
Tue May 08, 2018 5:52 pm
Unfortunately this limbo state is because you don't have closure. And it will continue until you resolve the situation.
I think you have no option but to wait. Give her enough time to come to a decision at her end, then you can move forward or break things off and move on to next phase of life.

Sir,
That's what I am doing everyday. So many times I am this close to calling her and asking what she has decided. But I resist because if she decides anything, she will let me know. Pestering her won't get the decision sooner, and will only make me look like an immature impatient wreck.
You are right that it's closure I need. The only question is- once I have waited for 30 days or so and if she still hasn't called, should I call her to look for an official closure? I don't want to have any confusion or regrets going forward- like what if I had called or confirmed once or is there a chance still or something like that.
If she still hasn't called her after 30 days, then drop her a message and close it from your end and move on. Don't call her because you will get emotional and may say/do something that will not be in your interest. If after reading your message, she thinks there is still hope, she will call you or she will just respond to the text with some emotional mumbo jumbo (thats when its really over). If she calls you and still asks for more time or makes excuses, do not budge, just tell her that you're moving on and so should she.

After breaking up, you should go out actively, may be download tinder or something, try to date.

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Wed May 09, 2018 1:23 pm

Yes, after 30 days which is enough time, I think you should get in touch to see where things stand. Calling is better, but you have to do this stoically and not emotionally. You should at all times be mentally prepared to break it off. That is the only time you will get closure and be able to move on - when you 'officially' break it off. It will be a difficult few weeks/months but healing begins only then.

bharotshontan
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by bharotshontan » Wed May 09, 2018 5:15 pm

I agree. Call and be prepared to leave voicemail if unanswered, don't just leave a missed call but don't text either. Prepare a sheet with bullet points prior to making phone call regarding the voicemail content, this way there is no freewheeling while leaving VM. If possible, have the recorded VM played over before final delivery so you are sure you have hit all the points. And after delivering VM then you can send a text saying you've left a voice message and would appreciate a call back.
If she does answer when you call, freewheeling cannot be avoided but start from the prepared notes. In fact in the notes I'd create a flowchart diagram with further points for what you want your needs to be in case some of the predictable items are lobbed from other side, e.g. more time to keep you in limbo etc.

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Wed May 09, 2018 6:32 pm

I feel it may be better to meet in person and do this honorably. Texting, emailing etc don't seem too respectful when it comes to something important like this.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Ashish Raval » Wed May 09, 2018 8:37 pm

Differ slightly from guru's here.
I would suggest to get a small break and go to adventure sports activity with bachelor friends and perhaps hiring tour bike and going to mountains. This will take your mind away from the situation and also see things from fresh perspective. Break the chain of thoughts and come back later. Hopefully the other side will equally be aware by the time that you can certainly move on and should help them to give a serious thoughts.
Worst case visit the pandit and offer him tour of Agra with family ;-) that should miraculously align your kundli after puja at temple in Agra. The above line is meant for pleasing the pandit you are free to choose the method your way ;-)

Vikas
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Vikas » Thu May 10, 2018 8:16 am

KJo wrote:
Wed May 09, 2018 6:32 pm
I feel it may be better to meet in person and do this honorably. Texting, emailing etc don't seem too respectful when it comes to something important like this.
KJo is right. Phone, Text, Email are not for such a important conversation.

P.S: Kittoo, You would owe us a cold one when she ends up being your wife.

kittoo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Fri May 11, 2018 9:38 am

We talked yesterday. Apparently her mother has been very sick and hence she couldn't meet any astrologer or do anything. I have been living in hell and she didn't even inform me that she wasn't doing anything. Now she is saying she will do all this after one week. So 15 more days if hell. The only difference this time is that she is saying that once she has tried everything (she says she will try 120%), she says she will give it in my hands and I can then meet her parents and convince them and everything. If they agree, she will marry me.
I am if two minds. On one hand I do want to meet her parents and try my last shot, on the other hand this no talking bull*hit because parents have made her promise is too much. I am also equal partner in the relationship and not some bystander. I have an inkling that something else is going on behind the scenes which she is not telling me

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Sachin » Fri May 11, 2018 10:36 am

kittoo wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 9:38 am
The only difference this time is that she is saying that once she has tried everything (she says she will try 120%), she says she will give it in my hands and I can then meet her parents and convince them and everything. If they agree, she will marry me.
...... I have an inkling that something else is going on behind the scenes which she is not telling me
Not to sound as a party-pooper, but looks like she has put down the entire plan of action onto your head (and washed her hands off). Not getting a feeling that she is in the mode of an equal partner.

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Fri May 11, 2018 2:15 pm

Ashish Raval wrote:
Wed May 09, 2018 8:37 pm
Differ slightly from guru's here.
I would suggest to get a small break and go to adventure sports activity with bachelor friends and perhaps hiring tour bike and going to mountains. This will take your mind away from the situation and also see things from fresh perspective. Break the chain of thoughts and come back later. Hopefully the other side will equally be aware by the time that you can certainly move on and should help them to give a serious thoughts.
Worst case visit the pandit and offer him tour of Agra with family ;-) that should miraculously align your kundli after puja at temple in Agra. The above line is meant for pleasing the pandit you are free to choose the method your way ;-)

I think this is a very good idea. kittoo's mind must be all mashed up, so he needs a change in scenary and a break from all of this to begin thinking clearly again. So some time away would be the best thing. I don't think he is in any sort of hurry for a decision.

But at the end, there needs to be a firm yes/no decision. This cannot be left hanging forever.

KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Fri May 11, 2018 2:23 pm

kittoo wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 9:38 am
We talked yesterday. Apparently her mother has been very sick and hence she couldn't meet any astrologer or do anything. I have been living in hell and she didn't even inform me that she wasn't doing anything. Now she is saying she will do all this after one week. So 15 more days if hell. The only difference this time is that she is saying that once she has tried everything (she says she will try 120%), she says she will give it in my hands and I can then meet her parents and convince them and everything. If they agree, she will marry me.
I am if two minds. On one hand I do want to meet her parents and try my last shot, on the other hand this no talking bull*hit because parents have made her promise is too much. I am also equal partner in the relationship and not some bystander. I have an inkling that something else is going on behind the scenes which she is not telling me
There is some chance that she is telling the truth so you don't want to jump the gun. This matter is too important to make any mistakes and misjudgement. Be patient and give her the time she is asking for.

Be mentally prepared for her to break it off and things not working out. Don't start to plan for great days ahead with her because if things don't work out, you will be crushed. Tell yourself you will be breaking up with her.

In the end, a relationship is 2 way and if she is not on board, it will not work out.

Chandragupta
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Fri May 11, 2018 5:37 pm

kittoo wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 9:38 am
We talked yesterday. Apparently her mother has been very sick and hence she couldn't meet any astrologer or do anything. I have been living in hell and she didn't even inform me that she wasn't doing anything. Now she is saying she will do all this after one week. So 15 more days if hell. The only difference this time is that she is saying that once she has tried everything (she says she will try 120%), she says she will give it in my hands and I can then meet her parents and convince them and everything. If they agree, she will marry me.
I am if two minds. On one hand I do want to meet her parents and try my last shot, on the other hand this no talking bull*hit because parents have made her promise is too much. I am also equal partner in the relationship and not some bystander. I have an inkling that something else is going on behind the scenes which she is not telling me
Sorry to a cynic but mother being sick and 'I got no time onlee' while you both are (apparently) at a very delicate stage in your relationships? Doesn't sound very realistic to me, imho. But like KJo ji said, no need to jump the gun just yet.

Since it has anyway come to this now, there is a good chance that she will say nothing is happening onlee and you can try your luck with her parents - which I must insist that you do - just for closure. Let you hear what her parents say. Do not request or beg them, just go have tea-pakoda, ask them what they think and if they do not seem interested and if your girlfriend doesn't seem emotionally tattered, then move on and thank your stars. People in love who are looking at the prospect of the love of their life walk away, usually run & flutter like headless chickens not sit calmly at home.

Hope that I will be proven wrong, but real life is usually a biatch.

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