Love & Marriage Nukkad

General nukkad-style discussions.
This forum is lightly moderated, and members are expected to moderate themselves.
KJo
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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Fri Apr 13, 2018 7:29 pm

Zynda wrote:
Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:47 pm
If a female thinks that she is strong, extremely independent and does not like to be told what to do, the best companion for her would be a male who is not very authoritative by nature or emasculated by circumstances. I would think such an union would be complimentary and less prone to clashes.

A girl I know who falls in the above category went ahead and married an Army dude, whose profession demands to be authoritative. Six months in to marriage, they are having huge ego issues. To this unhealthy circumstances, add a mixture of traditional MIL and it becomes even more toxic. Girl is having issues with both husband & MIL. Unfortunately for her, before marriage her circumstances, especially financial wasn't so great. I guess she adopted for the traditional approach of man being the bread earner...which is fine but she could have searched for a guy who is opposite of hers but I guess the rugged good looks of an army man swept her off the her feet.
Yes, these army air force types were highly in demand in the 90s. Some of my female high school classmates married such guys back then. It's glamorous initially but then the reality is a life of loneliness, like a nomad moving from place to place and not being able to take up a job. So it becomes an idle bored mind. One such former classmate is in touch with me over Whatsapp. We were not great buddies back in middle and high school but we have gotten to be better friends after these decades. She told me about a "friend" of hers (she didn't name him) who was also our school senior with whom she is having an emotional affair. They had some fight and she was upset for a long time and I had to get her out of it to the level possible across oceans. I am not sure if her husband knows but she said he calls when he is around but maybe he does not care. Their kid is in college and is away and he is busy with his things so she is all alone spending a lot of time on Whatsapp.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Fri Apr 13, 2018 7:32 pm

Primus wrote:
Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:46 am
Shandilya wrote:
Tue Dec 12, 2017 11:16 pm
Happy Anniversary Kabir.

To add to suggestions already made, take her out for dinner.


On a side note a question to all love gurus here, what has your SHQ done for you on anniversaries? Do they worry as much as our kabir and poll their friends on how to treat you on this special din?

Or is it that they agree to special ahem-ahem and call it a day?
heh heh, I don't think SHQs ask for advice on internet forums :D

And I don't think there is any special ahem-ahem :) although it is always possible

My own situation is that SHQ and I have grown up together, met at 16 and got married when we could, so perhaps our status is special. However, SHQ always tries to make it a memorable event, a day that is marked by either a favorite meal cooked at home, or a dinner out at a place I like or prefer.

One thing I have noted in our long relationship is that a little effort from me is returned several fold. So if you want to be happy, try a little harder to make SHQ happy and your life will be filled with joy.
Good luck to you sir and I hope it continues.
But to say that a little effort is returned several fold does not apply everywhere. Some just take it for granted and expect more the next time. Or compare with others. It's not an easy thing to figure out.

At my place, my wife always expects that I do everything on V Day and our anniversary. She does not feel that it is "our" day. She feels that it is "her" day and I have to do something for her and that is it. The only time I can expect something nice is my birthday when I get a home baked cake.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Primus » Fri Apr 13, 2018 8:46 pm

chetak wrote:
Fri Apr 13, 2018 4:59 pm


sirji, Who is joy??
She is that ephemeral being that you dream about on stormy nights, that you've had occasional glimpses of in real life and like a lonely man in a desert have an insatiable thirst for. In your heart you know who she is and how to get her but can't quite remember how.

:D :D :D

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Primus » Fri Apr 13, 2018 8:55 pm

KJo wrote:
Fri Apr 13, 2018 7:32 pm
................

Good luck to you sir and I hope it continues.
But to say that a little effort is returned several fold does not apply everywhere. Some just take it for granted and expect more the next time. Or compare with others. It's not an easy thing to figure out.

At my place, my wife always expects that I do everything on V Day and our anniversary. She does not feel that it is "our" day. She feels that it is "her" day and I have to do something for her and that is it. The only time I can expect something nice is my birthday when I get a home baked cake.
There are many situations where a significant difference in opinion develops. Most of the time you can solve this with an honest dialog. Nobody has the perfect marriage, heck our Gods didn't, we are mere mortals.

However, there is always room for negotiation and there is always hope. When SHQ and I differ on the plan of action with anything, we sit down and discuss it without getting emotional or worked up. It is hard to do and we all suffer from some degree of cognitive dissociation which does not help. But if you are willing, at the outset, to give in if the arguments you hear are convincing enough - you need to be absolutely honest here - then more often than not you will be surprised how easy it is to actually convince the other person of your point of view. It is the willingness to listen to your partner - really listen that is the foundation of all peaceful relationships.

So I think if you sit down with her and tell her that celebration of an anniversary should be a day of joy (even Chetak Ji's idea of it) for both of you and thus both need to put in an effort to make it so, then she would understand. Of course you then have to make extra efforts to do a great job on her birthday. Women are very sensitive to these dates - more so than most of us realize - and it is very important to let her know you care.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by chetak » Sat Apr 14, 2018 5:16 am

Primus wrote:
Fri Apr 13, 2018 8:46 pm
chetak wrote:
Fri Apr 13, 2018 4:59 pm


sirji, Who is joy??
She is that ephemeral being that you dream about on stormy nights, that you've had occasional glimpses of in real life and like a lonely man in a desert have an insatiable thirst for. In your heart you know who she is and how to get her but can't quite remember how.

:D :D :D

Apologies, couldn't resist. ;)

Actually, I know a guy whose wife is named rose.

She is very well upholstered, avoirdupois wise and everytime someone says " life is not a bed of roses", it cracks me up because I imagine this guy with his bed simply overflowing with rose.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Vikas » Thu Apr 19, 2018 4:52 am

What is this with some women putting up WhatsApp status which are little sexual or flirtish in nature but in real life they are pretty regular women.
Is this is the wild side they are trying to explore or just bored with mid-life ?

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Shandilya » Thu Apr 19, 2018 12:39 pm

Neither, in all likelihood it's their alter-ego which dictates their whatsapp status.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Thu Apr 19, 2018 12:58 pm

Vikas wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 4:52 am
What is this with some women putting up WhatsApp status which are little sexual or flirtish in nature but in real life they are pretty regular women.
Is this is the wild side they are trying to explore or just bored with mid-life ?
Mid life crisis. Happens to everyone. Men show it in other ways.
Women who were pretty in 20s and 30s want to ensure that still "have it". So they post their pictures on FB with make up on and wait for likes and compliments. I am seeing this in among the ladies who were my classmates in school.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:55 pm

An update about my situation with my GFs in laws finding from an astrolger that I will die within 6 months if I get married to her and hence my relationship breaking over this stupidity. Detailed post here- https://bharatganrajya.com/viewtopic.php?p=10016#p10016

After a week (during which I was genuinely happy. Not because of us talking but simply because I decided to focus on other things. I was going out with friends, meeting new people) or so of talking in the most fun and jovial way with my girlfriend, yesterday I finally decided to ask where this thing was going to head. She said that she didnt think there was much possibility of her parents agreeing and that she was going trying to show it to a couple of more astrologers and let me know. Since I knew what they are going to say and since I dont see her actually trying to wrestle it out with her parents, I just told her that she should only call me if there was a positive news, or never call me again as there was nothing more that I could say that I hadnt and that would change her mind. Post that we havent talked.
It was the only thing I could do somwhat maturely. I wanted to explode in anger and arguments about how stupid this is, but I decided to remain calm and just ended it. Did I do the right thing?
Last edited by kittoo on Thu Apr 19, 2018 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by shravanp » Thu Apr 19, 2018 3:02 pm

KJo wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 12:58 pm
Vikas wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 4:52 am
What is this with some women putting up WhatsApp status which are little sexual or flirtish in nature but in real life they are pretty regular women.
Is this is the wild side they are trying to explore or just bored with mid-life ?
Mid life crisis. Happens to everyone. Men show it in other ways.
Women who were pretty in 20s and 30s want to ensure that still "have it". So they post their pictures on FB with make up on and wait for likes and compliments. I am seeing this in among the ladies who were my classmates in school.
Read it long time back. Its how females evolved and mother nature telling them to utilize their fertility in final years before menopause hits them. The 'cougar' concept has it's roots in biology and not something uncommon.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Primus » Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:45 pm

kittoo wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:55 pm
An update about my situation with my GFs in laws finding from an astrolger that I will die within 6 months if I get married to her and hence my relationship breaking over this stupidity. Detailed post here- https://bharatganrajya.com/viewtopic.php?p=10016#p10016

After a week (during which I was genuinely happy. Not because of us talking but simply because I decided to focus on other things. I was going out with friends, meeting new people) or so of talking in the most fun and jovial way with my girlfriend, yesterday I finally decided to ask where this thing was going to head. She said that she didnt think there was much possibility of her parents agreeing and that she was going trying to show it to a couple of more astrologers and let me know. Since I knew what they are going to say and since I dont see her actually trying to wrestle it out with her parents, I just told her that she should only call me if there was a positive news, or never call me again as there was nothing more that I could say that I hadnt and that would change her mind. Post that we havent talked.
It was the only thing I could do somwhat maturely. I wanted to explode in anger and arguments about how stupid this is, but I decided to remain calm and just ended it. Did I do the right thing?
Only time will tell. If she does not come back to you then she was 'not worth it'. There isn't much else you can do, certainly cannot force her mind.

Distance is to love what wind is to fire - it fans the big ones and puts out the tiny flames. Some time apart will let both of you realize how much you meant to each other.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by srikumar » Fri Apr 20, 2018 12:53 am

kittoo wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:55 pm

It was the only thing I could do somwhat maturely. I wanted to explode in anger and arguments about how stupid this is, but I decided to remain calm and just ended it. Did I do the right thing?
I have no advice or word of wisdom on a thread like this ...mullah lalmullah would man for this, but I'll say that you've taken a tough decision in taking the course you did. It is probably the best course for the other party...in the sense that she/her parents wont be in a conflict situation. It will be easier on them. On the other hand, it will be tough on you atleast for some time. Find an outlet or alternative for the anger/angst at the situation you are in....by socializing with other people or doing something else (start another company, did you not have one earlier..?). Whichever way this works out....IMHO this is definitely a mature decision. One needs some character to do what you did.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Vikas » Fri Apr 20, 2018 5:27 am

kittoo wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:55 pm
An update about my situation with my GFs in laws finding from an astrolger that I will die within 6 months if I get married to her and hence my relationship breaking over this stupidity. Detailed post here- https://bharatganrajya.com/viewtopic.php?p=10016#p10016

It was the only thing I could do somwhat maturely. I wanted to explode in anger and arguments about how stupid this is, but I decided to remain calm and just ended it. Did I do the right thing?
Kittoo, The worst is still on its way before it hits you. Once you start missing her and realize that she is gone forever, it is going to break your heart into million pieces. I do think that you did the right think but it will be one of the hardest thing that you would ever do in life.
Finding heartfelt Love but losing it is unbelievably painful.

Last famous words - Miracles do happen (Divine mother does not always need you to pray to her to grant you the desired one)
so I hope for happy ending for you and this girl has a change of heart.

I still can't imagine someone believing astrologers about question of Death. If in 6 months someone has to die, He/She will irrespective of marriage or divorce and vice versa. people really have no clue on how Karma theory works.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Vikas » Fri Apr 20, 2018 5:38 am

So met 2 girls in a professional gathering last evening in a upscale hotel.

First one was an old acquaintance who by her standards has made it big (used to be a small fry in my previous KB). She completely ignored me and moi after trying to give her few goofy smiles told her to 'Eff off" mentally and then she was like non existent for me. God only knows what was her problem.

The other girl was pretty chatty (and very nicely dressed) while talking was hopping from one leg to another. Hit me on the shoulder couple of times while laughing. Turns out she had a bad breakup few days back and she was just trying to distract herself. Dropped her at the airport while coming back and got her number.

I just can't stop analyzing people & their body language in social environments. Looks like everyone is looking for that elusive love and happiness which like a butterfly keeps moving from one goal to another.

Bottom line, everyone carries his or her own baggage and judging a woman is like judging what Chris Gayle is going to do with the next delivery.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Vikas » Fri Apr 20, 2018 5:40 am

Primus wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:45 pm

Distance is to love what wind is to fire - it fans the big ones and puts out the tiny flames.
Beautiful and profound lines Primus !!!

I immediately put them up as my WhatsApp status (yeah, also a subtle message for someone who is no longer special)

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:11 am

kittoo wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:55 pm
An update about my situation with my GFs in laws finding from an astrolger that I will die within 6 months if I get married to her and hence my relationship breaking over this stupidity. Detailed post here- https://bharatganrajya.com/viewtopic.php?p=10016#p10016

After a week (during which I was genuinely happy. Not because of us talking but simply because I decided to focus on other things. I was going out with friends, meeting new people) or so of talking in the most fun and jovial way with my girlfriend, yesterday I finally decided to ask where this thing was going to head. She said that she didnt think there was much possibility of her parents agreeing and that she was going trying to show it to a couple of more astrologers and let me know. Since I knew what they are going to say and since I dont see her actually trying to wrestle it out with her parents, I just told her that she should only call me if there was a positive news, or never call me again as there was nothing more that I could say that I hadnt and that would change her mind. Post that we havent talked.
It was the only thing I could do somwhat maturely. I wanted to explode in anger and arguments about how stupid this is, but I decided to remain calm and just ended it. Did I do the right thing?
Imho, you did the best thing possible. You are still willing to marry her despite your life on the line, literally. But if she doesn't fight it, then are you willing to be with a woman who will leave you when the going gets tough?

Now this may be a little OTT but are you sure that it is the astrologers and kundli issue or could it be something else? Like Parents not agreeing to this match / woman not wanting to commit / another rishta in the picture? I hope you don't take offense but I have seen enough effed up cases that every such issue warrants a closer inspection. Kundli is the easies, most convenient 'NO' possible in India. Case in point - two of my batchmates from B-school were seeing each other for 6 years before the guy proposed, parents agreed and all was good, until the guy's career took a little hit. Suddenly Kundli did not match, according to the Kundli, they would never have children and all sorts of issues cropped up. So a very painful breakup for the guy but less than 6 months later, the girl was married off to a NRI Techie. Made a new FB profile, blocked all of us etc etc. Not hard to guess what had transpired. So just saying, don't take everything for granted.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Fri Apr 20, 2018 8:21 am

Chandragupta wrote:
Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:11 am

Imho, you did the best thing possible. You are still willing to marry her despite your life on the line, literally. But if she doesn't fight it, then are you willing to be with a woman who will leave you when the going gets tough?

Now this may be a little OTT but are you sure that it is the astrologers and kundli issue or could it be something else? Like Parents not agreeing to this match / woman not wanting to commit / another rishta in the picture? I hope you don't take offense but I have seen enough effed up cases that every such issue warrants a closer inspection. Kundli is the easies, most convenient 'NO' possible in India. Case in point - two of my batchmates from B-school were seeing each other for 6 years before the guy proposed, parents agreed and all was good, until the guy's career took a little hit. Suddenly Kundli did not match, according to the Kundli, they would never have children and all sorts of issues cropped up. So a very painful breakup for the guy but less than 6 months later, the girl was married off to a NRI Techie. Made a new FB profile, blocked all of us etc etc. Not hard to guess what had transpired. So just saying, don't take everything for granted.
No offense taken at all sir. I've wondered about that possibility myself but I also showed the kundli to 3 astrologers separately. 2 of them said the same thing (that I will die) and 1 said ge didn't find anything risky and it was going to be fine. The curious thing is that no astrologer earlier (5-6 .months back) was predicting any such thing, and at that time also we showed to 3-4. So I really don't know what this bullshit is.
Anyway. I have left it to fate. I am not going to talk to her again. If she ever decides to fight it out, that's her decision but I am not holding my breath and am trying to move on.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:04 pm

kittoo wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:55 pm
An update about my situation with my GFs in laws finding from an astrolger that I will die within 6 months if I get married to her and hence my relationship breaking over this stupidity. Detailed post here- https://bharatganrajya.com/viewtopic.php?p=10016#p10016

After a week (during which I was genuinely happy. Not because of us talking but simply because I decided to focus on other things. I was going out with friends, meeting new people) or so of talking in the most fun and jovial way with my girlfriend, yesterday I finally decided to ask where this thing was going to head. She said that she didnt think there was much possibility of her parents agreeing and that she was going trying to show it to a couple of more astrologers and let me know. Since I knew what they are going to say and since I dont see her actually trying to wrestle it out with her parents, I just told her that she should only call me if there was a positive news, or never call me again as there was nothing more that I could say that I hadnt and that would change her mind. Post that we havent talked.
It was the only thing I could do somwhat maturely. I wanted to explode in anger and arguments about how stupid this is, but I decided to remain calm and just ended it. Did I do the right thing?
I am not sure what advice I can give at this point but I wanted to make a few points.

All healthy relationships should be consensual. It could be any relationship, between friends, lovers, siblings, spouses etc. If you want a relationship but the other person is not interested or as interested, then there is no use continuing and there only would be heartbreak and disappointment ahead. I keep this in mind at all times and have even mentioned this to my wife. She should stay with me because she wants to stay with me and not for any other reason. If at any time she wants to leave she is free to leave. But of course, once you leave behind something, doors are shut forever. I use this as a guiding principle. Some years ago, I had a very good friend. We were very close, same intellectual level, same interests etc. Then suddenly she started pulling away and acting what I thought was weird and illogical. Instinct is to hold tighter to relationships breaking apart, but I let go. Anything more than that is forceful and bad feelings get associated with it. Today we are just friends, and occasionally keep in touch but not close friends like earlier.

So coming to your situation, I think the mistake you made was to leave the ball in her court. She has the power now. You told her "if there is positive news call me or don't call". So she decides the future. She can call you tomorrow or in 2 years. She can call you as a backup. Being human, you will spend the rest of your days waiting for her elusive phone call. Don't tell me you won't because you are doing that even now.

Don't sell yourself cheap. If you don't value yourself, no one else will. You should have taken her aside and told her that you want to marry her but she also has to want to marry you. You don't believe in jatakas and prophesies of death and expect that she won't either. If she cannot get past it, then it is better that you both break up. Give her a finite time to think about it (3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks). Something reasonable. She has to decide in that time. If not, then goodbye forever. You make a clean mental break from her and move on with your life.

By giving her infinite time, you have not done yourself any good.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:56 pm

KJo wrote:
Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:04 pm
So coming to your situation, I think the mistake you made was to leave the ball in her court. She has the power now. You told her "if there is positive news call me or don't call". So she decides the future. She can call you tomorrow or in 2 years. She can call you as a backup. Being human, you will spend the rest of your days waiting for her elusive phone call. Don't tell me you won't because you are doing that even now.

Don't sell yourself cheap. If you don't value yourself, no one else will. You should have taken her aside and told her that you want to marry her but she also has to want to marry you. You don't believe in jatakas and prophesies of death and expect that she won't either. If she cannot get past it, then it is better that you both break up. Give her a finite time to think about it (3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks). Something reasonable. She has to decide in that time. If not, then goodbye forever. You make a clean mental break from her and move on with your life.

By giving her infinite time, you have not done yourself any good.
Sir, agreed in a general sense. I did give her the power over the course of the relationship, thats true, but my last call wasnt intended to give her more power. I was very clear that she shouldnt call me if she isnt ready to fight it out. Also, I made it clear that I'd be moving on during this time- i used these exact words. She was trying to joke and use loving voices etc but I didnt respond to those. At the end of our talk, our last 3 sentences were like these-

Me:Ive said what I needed to say. Please dont call me if you are not ready to fight it out.
She:OK. Bye. I love you.
Me: Bye.

Do you still think I left all the power to her? Should I still do the 'tell me in 3 days or else' thing? And wont me not contacting her would anyway slowly move the power to my side?

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by KJo » Fri Apr 20, 2018 4:01 pm

I think you did everything right except for leaving her decision open-ended with no timeline. What will you do if she calls you a year from now when you have gotten over her and she says she decided that you are the one? You may be single but do you want to go through that again? In the meantime you will have realized that she may not be the type to love you through thick and thin. In the meantime unknown to you, she may have had a breakup with someone else and now you are the fall back option.

This will just screw with your mind even more.

If she really loves you then a few days or weeks is more than enough. If she cannot decide in that time, then goodbye. Of course, you should never say "3 days or else" directly. You should be tactful but make it clear that she has a limited amount of time to either be with you or not.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Fri Apr 20, 2018 5:06 pm

KJo wrote:
Fri Apr 20, 2018 4:01 pm
I think you did everything right except for leaving her decision open-ended with no timeline. What will you do if she calls you a year from now when you have gotten over her and she says she decided that you are the one? You may be single but do you want to go through that again? In the meantime you will have realized that she may not be the type to love you through thick and thin. In the meantime unknown to you, she may have had a breakup with someone else and now you are the fall back option.

This will just screw with your mind even more.

If she really loves you then a few days or weeks is more than enough. If she cannot decide in that time, then goodbye. Of course, you should never say "3 days or else" directly. You should be tactful but make it clear that she has a limited amount of time to either be with you or not.
Sir, we both are 30 years old. None of us has time to come back after a year while the other waits. We both will be married soon, not to each other but at least to someone.
That is one more point that intrigues me though. She knows she has to start from scratch and she is 30. God knows I am scared of starting from scratch. Since I've met her friends, family and extended family, I also know that she had 3 relationships before me and met countless other prospects and I was the first one for whom she actually agreed to get married. She and her family and friends, everyone has told me that. She was 28 when we met and her family was panicking that she was getting old, she too was panicking a little. So how come she is ready to start from scratch at 30, knowing that it's going to be even more difficult to find someone now who fits her bill?
The only other option is that she has someone else already. But given how much we met and how much we talked, even in last few weeks, it seems difficult. I was picking her from her office, we were together every weekend. Nothing pointed to her having an affair. I also know for a fact simply how much emotional drama played out at her home about me, since I know her brother and we also talked about the same. So it's unlikely that she already found someone else. Then how come she is not scared of starting from scratch at 30?

As of now waise I have decided that my best course of action is radio silence and let fate do what it will.

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Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:07 am

KJo wrote:
Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:04 pm
kittoo wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:55 pm
An update about my situation with my GFs in laws finding from an astrolger that I will die within 6 months if I get married to her and hence my relationship breaking over this stupidity. Detailed post here- https://bharatganrajya.com/viewtopic.php?p=10016#p10016

After a week (during which I was genuinely happy. Not because of us talking but simply because I decided to focus on other things. I was going out with friends, meeting new people) or so of talking in the most fun and jovial way with my girlfriend, yesterday I finally decided to ask where this thing was going to head. She said that she didnt think there was much possibility of her parents agreeing and that she was going trying to show it to a couple of more astrologers and let me know. Since I knew what they are going to say and since I dont see her actually trying to wrestle it out with her parents, I just told her that she should only call me if there was a positive news, or never call me again as there was nothing more that I could say that I hadnt and that would change her mind. Post that we havent talked.
It was the only thing I could do somwhat maturely. I wanted to explode in anger and arguments about how stupid this is, but I decided to remain calm and just ended it. Did I do the right thing?
I am not sure what advice I can give at this point but I wanted to make a few points.

All healthy relationships should be consensual. It could be any relationship, between friends, lovers, siblings, spouses etc. If you want a relationship but the other person is not interested or as interested, then there is no use continuing and there only would be heartbreak and disappointment ahead. I keep this in mind at all times and have even mentioned this to my wife. She should stay with me because she wants to stay with me and not for any other reason. If at any time she wants to leave she is free to leave. But of course, once you leave behind something, doors are shut forever. I use this as a guiding principle. Some years ago, I had a very good friend. We were very close, same intellectual level, same interests etc. Then suddenly she started pulling away and acting what I thought was weird and illogical. Instinct is to hold tighter to relationships breaking apart, but I let go. Anything more than that is forceful and bad feelings get associated with it. Today we are just friends, and occasionally keep in touch but not close friends like earlier.

So coming to your situation, I think the mistake you made was to leave the ball in her court. She has the power now. You told her "if there is positive news call me or don't call". So she decides the future. She can call you tomorrow or in 2 years. She can call you as a backup. Being human, you will spend the rest of your days waiting for her elusive phone call. Don't tell me you won't because you are doing that even now.

Don't sell yourself cheap. If you don't value yourself, no one else will. You should have taken her aside and told her that you want to marry her but she also has to want to marry you. You don't believe in jatakas and prophesies of death and expect that she won't either. If she cannot get past it, then it is better that you both break up. Give her a finite time to think about it (3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks). Something reasonable. She has to decide in that time. If not, then goodbye forever. You make a clean mental break from her and move on with your life.

By giving her infinite time, you have not done yourself any good.
Gold.

kittoo
BGR Newbie
Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2017 6:48 am

Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:08 am

Chandragupta wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:07 am
Gold.
CG sir, what's your opinion on my last post (about we being 30 and starting from scratch and all?).

Chandragupta
BGR Member
Posts: 343
Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2017 5:49 am

Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by Chandragupta » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:41 am

kittoo wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:08 am
Chandragupta wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:07 am
Gold.
CG sir, what's your opinion on my last post (about we being 30 and starting from scratch and all?).
Sir imho I have seen plenty of people who are

a. clueless or
b. willing to start from scratch

even at the age of 30-32. It is an inconvenience ofcourse but then these issues are complex. We don't know what is the equation between you two, only you do. Only you know the real depth of your relationship. I have seen plenty of my own friends and acquaintances being in relationships till late 20s and then suddenly when things begin to get serious, some of these relationships come crashing down. In such cases, what is a given is that the next relationships are going to get shorter and shorter. May be the thought process is that it is already 30 now, so worrying about being late is useless. People can tailor their expectations from life and give in, when they see that it is not going according to plan.

I think KJo saar gave you really good advice when he said that you should now fold up things in a defined time period rather than stretching it. If you see things moving in lets say 30 days, then good or else, move on. It is not easy but the more you delay the tougher it is going to be to start from scratch now.

kittoo
BGR Newbie
Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2017 6:48 am

Re: Love & Marriage Nukkad

Post by kittoo » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:16 am

Chandragupta wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:41 am
kittoo wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:08 am
Chandragupta wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:07 am
Gold.
CG sir, what's your opinion on my last post (about we being 30 and starting from scratch and all?).
Sir imho I have seen plenty of people who are

a. clueless or
b. willing to start from scratch

even at the age of 30-32. It is an inconvenience ofcourse but then these issues are complex. We don't know what is the equation between you two, only you do. Only you know the real depth of your relationship. I have seen plenty of my own friends and acquaintances being in relationships till late 20s and then suddenly when things begin to get serious, some of these relationships come crashing down. In such cases, what is a given is that the next relationships are going to get shorter and shorter. May be the thought process is that it is already 30 now, so worrying about being late is useless. People can tailor their expectations from life and give in, when they see that it is not going according to plan.

I think KJo saar gave you really good advice when he said that you should now fold up things in a defined time period rather than stretching it. If you see things moving in lets say 30 days, then good or else, move on. It is not easy but the more you delay the tougher it is going to be to start from scratch now.
I understand. This were serious between us since around 18 months. She met my parents then, I met her parents around 1 year back. Till last month we were planning how the marriage would go and how much money we would need and spend etc. Things truly went downhill only when the astrologer thing happened. But I didn't expect her to give up so easily, especially she has never been the kind who gives two shits about what her parents want her to do or think

Though right now my main question is, to you and Kho sar, is should i still call her and tell her that I am giving her 1 month, or simply let it be and not contact her for 1 month? It's already been 3 days since the last talk in which I said she should call me only if she is ready to fight. I also said I'd be moving on meanwhile. Soshould I stil give her call for an ultimatum?

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